July 8, 2012

Does Free Will decide Who we Love?

Wherever there is a ticklish query on my mind that exceeds a few days notice, often I am forced to begin a phase of deconstruction to combat with these invasive thinkings and wonderings and what-if’s scenarios. Ticklish queries are often the result of invaders of the unnoticed stimuli variety! And once these thoughts are permitted to have free-range access to the rest of the mind (ie. those that govern our body’s gestures and reactions, excuses for lapses in actions and behaviours, and whatnot), then it becomes more difficult to check their growth.

These often strange, wispy cloud-like tendrils of thoughts are seeded, somehow, and grow to unimaginably complex rhizomic root systems and leafy-vine infrastructures, unwholly recognizable from their initial seedy conception. I like to imagine my mental processes as an invasive morning glory vine or Japanese knotwood, that threatens to demolish the concrete foundation of buildings and urban architectural dwellings.

However, there is a method to this madness, and I’ve narrowed it down to reasoning the “why” ‘wherefore’ the stimuli has piqued my conscious thoughts, and “how” the stimuli was introduced into my current level of awareness. Below is a short list of “what to do’s” that consists of applications of critical thinking and reasoning I use:

• First, you write down everything
  Words and quotation that leaks out of your consciousness like a leaky faucet
• Secondly, you recall past experiences
  Times and places and events that have occurred including yourself
  Times and places and events that have occurred including observations of others
• Thirdly, begin researching
  I prefer using the interwebs Hivemind, as a contrast to friends, acquaintances that may have a personal vested interest in the outcome of what may or may not occur. These may range from articles and comments of the interweb’s community on Yahoo Answers! Metafilter and Reddit.

In this instance, the query that I am attempting to decipher, and the result of my researching, is featured below:

Query. Do you think we choose who we love or do we have no control over who we love?

Yahoo Answers (Best Answer)

I think we can feel an attraction to another person without much thought or choice; but love is something that develops over time and involves many choices, we have control over those choices.

Being attracted to another person can feel very powerful, especially if the attraction is reciprocated. We can be attracted by physical appearance, but also by the way a person expresses themselves, the way the person behaves, the things a person does (think musician, military member, firefighter, actor), the person’s sense of humor, and even the ‘toys’ a person has. I believe feeling this type of attraction is closer to lust than to love.

Lust isn’t a bad thing; but lust alone isn’t enough to build a truly loving relationship. I think it is easy to confuse lusting for someone with loving them; the danger here is that it is too easy to fantasize about the one we are lusting for, we see only what attracts us and disregard the things we don’t like so much.

In order for us to have lust grow into love we need to make good choices.

We take the time to get to know the person. We choose to treat each other with respect. We can see that the person’s words match their actions. We learn to trust each other. We learn to settle disagreements in a way that both of us win. We care about how the other person feels and expect them to care about how we feel too.

Lust can still play a part in a loving relationship, it is an exciting feeling; but the bonds that grow between two people who love each other are much stronger than a quick shot of lust.

Love is when two people work to make each other happy, it is selfless; love is a series of choices and actions we do each day to keep our bonds strong.

Lust is an attraction to another person that might lead to love, but is more often a somewhat selfish feeling, when we lust we are seeking a rush for ourselves and are more concerned with feeling good ourselves than in how the other person is feeling. (src)